It is my firm belief that God has had His hand on me my whole life. There is so much of my life that I have hated, and hated God for making me go through…but I have no sad story to tell. It was all for a purpose. In Psalm 27:10 the Bible says… When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up. I can tell you this is true in my life. My parents did harm to me, but even in those times, God was there guiding and protecting. My husband did harm to me, but in those times, God was there preserving and directing. God knew what I needed at every step of my life. He knew about the hurt and rage that was buried in my heart…and what it would take to release and remove it. God has directed every step I have taken to bring me where I needed to be to find and accept His love and forgiveness. It took God working in my heart to bring me to a place that I was willing to own all those feelings and lay it all down. ALL OF IT.

We had been raised to only show the good – to portray an image of happiness and success, whether it was true or not. God has brought me to a place where I can just be me…and there are parts of me that are not pretty. God knows the truth about what is in my heart, both the exposed and the hidden secrets…who was I trying to kid??? I finally got real with God and myself and found that God loved and accepted me, despite the sin I had done…despite the sin others had done to me that made me feel as though I was unworthy, unlovable; damaged goods. God has forgiven me of so much…and that forgiveness has changed me.

God’s love and forgiveness released me from the bondage the abuse created. God’s Holy love removed the hatred. I understand now that God does not measure sin in big and little…He measures it in yes and no. And with that thought in mind – I am no better than my father in the eyes of God. I can only answer for me at the end of my life. God will deal with Dad. God will deal with Mom. God will deal with you. We will all answer for the things we have done in our lives. I can only worry about my relationship with God and know that He will deal with the rest. God has become the father I never had…one who loves me and tenderly cares for me in all my situations. He is my protector and my provider. He loves me, not for what I can do, but DESPITE all I do.

As a young adult, fresh out of my parents’ home, it wasn’t long before I found religion. It filled many voids for me. I belonged!! I learned the dos and don’ts of how to live, how to look, what to say and what to avoid… how to look the part of a child of God. But there was a still small voice in my heart now and again that told me I didn’t have it…that there was more to this than a prayer. When that still small voice got so loud that I asked for help, I was told that was the devil trying to get me to doubt. I was to tell him to go away. Made sense…at the time, but that voice never did go away. But As I moved around the country, I belonged to different churches, but knew deep in my heart, there was something missing. Aside from the churches…my heart yearned to know if I belonged to GOD! 

And what about that pit of so much pain, hurt, anger, rage, disappointment, and disgust deep in my soul that was tucked away? God love is a forgiving love, but how do you go about forgiving the unforgivable in someone who isn’t even here? So many questions, so many voices and opinions…

It is not a matter of saying “its okay”. It is not and never will be okay. Forgiveness is releasing my “right” to hurt them, for hurting me. It is a matter of owning the decision to let go of the hurt and pain they caused. For me, the only way I could was with God’s help. Easy words to type, but it took a long road to get here..

Growing up in a dysfunctional home with an abusive father and an intimidated and depressed mother shaped me in ways I never dreamed possible. My siblings and I have all struggled with many aspects of our childhood...and how it has impacted our adult lives.

We tell ourselves that we will NEVER live like this...that life is going to be SO different when I get out of here...but the one thing I never thought of is that I take me with me where ever I go. I can want all sorts of things, but I was shaped and molded to be imperfect, both by simply being human, then by evil that lived in our home.  As a teenager, I was anxious to get out of the house and start my own life. I just knew I was going to make my life so very different from where I had been. But how we grow up, no matter how good or how bad, becomes our version of normal.

My heart was filled with hate and anger at the situations I have had to endure. As a purple haired, dog collar wearing, out of control teenager, the anger I felt was palatable in my life.  It was HUGE. It scared me, the enormity of it – that this volatile nitroglycerine in my heart would destroy me or someone around me. So I buried it, hoping no one, including me, would ever know it existed. But things can only be hidden for so long…it will come out. In some, it will emerge as rage or rebellion. In some, it will emerge as depression or suicidal tendencies. In some, it will emerge as an addiction to something that helps numb the pain. In a few, it is removed by God. This is my story…I am one of the few.

I don't even know where to start...my life has changed completely since I last wrote on this blog.  I have stopped by xanga to read others posts and been overwhelmed just thinking about where to start...what to say...how can I even get the story out?  The whole story, my life that has to be told.  It won't be a quick thing to get through.  Yet I feel it is time to pour it into words...I am one who writes better than I speak.

So tonight I start...

There is a part of me that has been disappointed with God...maybe a better term is hurt? bothered? disgruntled? displeased?

I have always wanted a different (read better) life...I wanted happiness and I seemingly got the short end of that stick continually.  I have always been resigned to the fact that God didn't love me like He loved others.  It was the only explanation my feeble mind to conjur to explain how and why I always got the short end of the stick. A lie I bought, hook line and sinker.  I know where it came from...I believed the same thing about my parents...that I was the child they "tolerated" not loved.  Now, there is probably more than a grain of truth to the parental statement, but it took me 45 years to come to grips with how HUGE a lie I have believed about God.

I am pretty sure Frankie has a panache for migrant farm work.  It seems unreal, given the fact that Frankie is a great dane, but he LOVES to pick berries!!  I have a floral display in my front room...it used to have fake raspberries in it.  But no more.  Frankie has taken it upon himself to rid this particular arrangement of these berries.  He is very careful not to disturb anything else...and not even hurt the berries...just remove them from the floral arrangement, then ever so carefully remove the berries from their stems and leave both intact berries and stems strewn about on the floor so everyone can see and understand the error of these particular berries.

Here is the evidence before you...

Do you think I could hire him out?  This could really be a moneymaking prospective!!